Apology to my brown boy

Last night I was going through some of Bassey Ikpi's work and it lead me to her WordPress page. I found this poem that really touched me.

Apology to my brown boy by Bassey Ikpi

You don’t sleep
you take nightfall as suggestion
welcome most morning before the sun
you dimpled face and brown
run on both solar and lunar energy
before you came, this was my only worry
that you would watch morning from the wrong side
that you would be all moving parts and jump starts

I wish this was my only fear for you
Now that you no longer occupy my womb
you have taken over my heart
so how do I protect you from this world?
How do I convince them that you are still
more chubby cheek and wide-eyed
than scowl and suspicion?

in my eyes, you are still preemie
still five pounds, 3 ounces of wrinkle and yawn
you eventually grew
into first laugh
into flurry of knees over hands
into first stumble
into unsteady steps
into first words
into always moving
into always talking

until

you are five years into this life journey
each day your body grows towards manhood
each day your legs lengthen
each day your face shows traces of the men that share your dna
each day you become consumed with what manhood means
each day you mother swallows her heart

I wish I could freeze you in these moments
keep you young boy and safe forever
I don’t trust this world
but I don’t want you to own this fear
you smile before your eyes open for morning
laugh with strangers
call them friend before they give you a reason not to
call them friend even when they do
why can’t I keep you like this?
why can’t the world see you like I do?
innocent
worthy of life
perfectly human

You ask me about the boy who face still
holds the soft roundness you recognize
ask me why his mother is on TV crying
ask me why his father won’t smile
ask me why they are all talking about this boy
ask me why they’re marching
why is everyone so sad, mommy?
What happened?
Who is Trayvon?
Why was he killed?
Do I have to stop wearing my favorite jacket?

What do I say to you?
How do I answer your questions
without inviting you to my fear?
How do I make sense of this for you?
you smiling, brown faced boy
you lover of candy and soft drinks
and hooded sweatshirts that make you feel big
and tall like your uncles
you who runs when scared
fights back when cornered
how do I protect you from this?
How can I teach you to  love this worldwhen I’m not convinced this world will love you back

My Boogie
my baby

there are thousands who love you sight unseen
but I can not bare the thought of losing you
if just one refuses to see your light
I wish this wasn’t a possibility

and it doesn’t get easier
I come to you every morning wishing it would
wishing I would have the words to save you
tell you that it is as simple as what you wear
or how you sound
or who you hang with

When the hood isn’t safe
but it is
when the suburbs aren’t safe
but they are
when the best schools won’t help
when the worst ones won’t teach you
when it’s not about who your friends are
but also about what company you keep
when it’s everything and nothing

when there is no reason
No justification
no apologies to turn to dust in their mouths

when none of the answers make sense
and the questions keep coming
what do I say to you?

Each morning,
the sun storms unwelcomed through my window
and a killer is still free
when every year there’s another story
another murder
another bloodied body that owns your face
and they are never sorry

How do I tell you to  keep smiling?
To keep living?
To keep breathing?
I just do.

I keep the names of the dead firmly beneath my tongue
I hope this prevents you from turning hollow with my fear
prevents you from losing your love of candy

and if they come for you
they will know they took the heart from the lion
but they didn’t make you eat it
so forget the news
turn it off
ignore it

go play.
go laugh.
go  live the life you were intended

let me deal with this
I will make sure you have a morning worth rising for

I had heard about Trayvon Martin and the case and was left shaken. My initial reaction was of shock and horror but I don't think I ever truly could understand what his family and friends could be going through. I am black and have experienced racial prejudice before, but I have never feared for my life or the lives of my loved ones as a result of the pejudice experienced. It was once I read this that I felt I got a true glimpse of how those that loved him may have felt, and even those that never knew him but could sympathise felt. Those that live in America and could identify. What happened is a tragedy that highlighted this was most likely somethingthat was not out of the norm but rather something that was continuosly silenced. She asked: "Have you ever thought about how many Trayvons we have and will never hear about?" We have a long way to go as society and I hope that this is the big step in the right direction that many have needed and wanted.

May Trayvon Martin's soul rest in peace and his life amount to great change.